Summer has arrived and the 3rd trimester is underway!

I'm 10 weeks from baby's due date now, which is really good, and kind of crazy. I already feel really large, and I'm not sure I can continue expanding for another 10 weeks. For real. I might pop.

I've been teaching BodyPump classes still, though I've needed to make some modifications. I can no longer do crunches, leg extensions, or lying-flat-on-my-back abdominal exercises, but I can still do planks, hovers, mountain-climbers, etc. I can't pull the bar up into a proper upright row, keeping the bar close to the body, because my belly is getting in the way. So I've switched to using hand weights for that move. But otherwise, the teaching is going okay.

I am not, however, having much luck continuing to run. There's not much room for my lungs to do their job, and I find that it causes me to have contractions. Not the super-painful, labor-type contractions. But the kind that suck your breath away, and tighten your entire abdomen into one big cramp. Yeah. Super.

So, I'm giving up on running for the time being. I'll get back to that later, when there's not an extra human living in my body. ;-)


These last few months, I have not been myself. Besides not being able to do some things that I really enjoy (running, high-intensity exercise classes, drinking wine, wearing NORMAL CLOTHES!), and being a little jealous of those who can (ahem! Joel's been training for a half marathon, and hitting a PR practically every time he goes for a run), I've been just feeling really overwhelmed and unsure and emotional. Feeling lonely, but at the same time, just wanting solitude.

We weren't really planning on having another baby right now, and part of the unexpected is the doubt. I'm trying to remember that God's got a plan, and his timing is perfect... that he's got this, and I don't need to be anxious. But I'm a planner. I like to know what I'm in for, what's next, so it's hard for me.

I'm worried about finances. I'm worried about adding newborn demands to an already busy house. I'm anxious about juggling feeding schedules and nap schedules and school, work and class schedules. About doing a good job training and teaching my kids, and still having time to enjoy the precious individuals that they are.

I have goals and things of my own that I want to accomplish, but I worry that I will need to put them on hold indefinitely, because pursuing them feels selfish when everyone else needs so much of me. I recently realized that though I have lots of acquaintances and wonderful family, I have few, if any, close friends. I worry that I'm going to lose myself entirely if I don't make time for myself and for relationships, but that actually feels impossible. I'm juggling balls here, and if I add another, I'll drop one.

At the same time, I'm totally aware of the precious, fleeting moments and days that are flying by. I can't snuggle, or squeeze or listen to them enough, I know. I am totally maxed out with love here. And also totally maxed out on patience, most of the time. :-)

It's all part of this mom-wife-human gig, I know. And some days I just don't know how much more I have in me.

I know those are fairly normal things to feel, and I'm trying to cut myself some slack. But you know, sometimes, it feels like entirely too much effort to put on your happy face. I've been trying really hard just to show up some days. Church, friends, family gatherings, exercise... all of these things I am usually engaged in and enjoy. But lately, well... it all just feels like too much.

I keep reminding myself of this phrase: You are what you do.

I can't be excellent in any area of my life without putting in the effort. I need to show up, even when I don't feel like it.
And you know what? Showing up doesn't always feel worth it, even afterward. But I know it's how you get through life. One step at a time. Whether those steps are trudging, shuffling steps, or skipping, twirling steps. One foot in front of the other.

So for now, I'm over here growing larger every day, showing up, reminding myself that I am what I do, and that God will take care of what I can't do. It's all good.